The worst side of medicine

Why did I choose to go into medicine? Many reasons, obviously, but the foremost is that I desire to help and to serve people. Today I experienced one of the worst things one can experience, yet one which will probably not be its last. This morning at 10:00 am I saw my first patient die. And what made it even worse was that he was only a child, not even 3 months old (sorry about the email saying 3 years. I goofed. This is the correct age).

When I left the hospital yesterday afternoon I was a bit worried about this patient with respiratory trouble. His oxygen levels had been dipping low, and then his pulse was running high. When I left though, everything seemed to be stable. I wouldn’t have left otherwise. When I returned this morning, I was relieved to see that his room was not cleared out. He was still in the ICU with all his equipment. I was with him from the time I arrived, continually monitoring his O2 saturation to be sure it didn’t dip too low. Eventually, things did start going bad. After a while, his O2 sat began to dip quite low, and then his heartbeat dropped really low. The docs tried CPR-type resuscitation techniques to get the heart beating again and oxygen flowing, but they weren’t working. We tried shocking him twice, but that didn’t work either. After about 30 more minutes of trying, we knew he wasn’t coming back. One doctor stopped chest compressions, and the other stopped the manual breathing assistance.

And I stopped cold. This was the first time I had seen a patient die. I didn’t exactly know how to respond. I couldn’t believe this was happening. After all, aren’t we supposed to be able to fix these kinds of things? What went wrong? Maybe if we had better equipment . . . maybe if we had known about his potassium levels . . . maybe if we’d been able to administer more oxygen sooner . . . who knows? Life is not lived in the “if’s,” life is lived in the present, learning from the past, and anticipating the future.

I realized this morning that I want to serve in medicine more than ever. There are so many out there like this little boy who need help. I want to learn all I can so that I can give every patient the best chance to live. With the experiences and education I have had, am gaining now, and will have in the future, I hope to develop my availability, ability, and affability to be the best possible physician I can be.